Prego Journey Update

21 Sep

So here is my very raw update on this whole non-prego journey. 

I had to take a few months off from going to the doctor because I was gone a lot during the summer, which was fine with me.  The break was nice.  I am not liking the doctor visists so much.  But during this time, I had thoughts of “God is making this break possible because I am going to get pregnant during these 2 months off so that He can prove that it is His doing, not a doctors.  Yeah, thats the reason why He has worked all this out.”

But I am figuring out that the more I try to plan what I think God is going to do, the more He shows me that His ways are not my ways.  I don’t always like that. 

So once September hit (and I realized I was still not pregnant), I decided to go back to Kaiser and this time, do everything they told me to do.  Clomid at the beginning of the month (I am thankful that I am not really experiencing any side effects), and a shot of HCG to time the release of my eggs.

Oh, the shot.  The day I had to give myself the shot, I was at the Women of Faith conference with the other pastor’s wives.  In our hotel room, they were great, held my hand and cheered me on while I gave myself the injection (having never done this before, it can be pretty intimidating).

Lets just say that I was a pretty good emotional wreck that day.  Between my hightened hormone levels and the amazing women at the conference sharing their own stories of tragedy and redemption, Natalie Grant singing the song “Held,”  and good friends praying for me, I felt very loved but still pretty sad.

Here is what I was able to articulate in my mind:  I feel loved and supported, but at the same time, I feel alone.  At this time in my life, I know no one who is still walking this journey.  I know people who have walked through it but whose infertility journey has come to an end.  There is one thing I am becoming increasingly aware of:  there is a mom-club that I am not a part of.  There are conversations and life changes that I do not fit into.  This part is difficult.

Andrew and I keep using the word “when” we have kids, not “if” we have kids.  There is still hope, not in my doctor or my ability to track my fertility, but in the love my God has for us, in His sovereign plan, in His strong hands to hold.

There is still hope.

5 Responses to “Prego Journey Update”

  1. Kristen Pettit Leonard September 22, 2010 at 6:13 p09 #

    Just wanted to say that if you ever want to talk, you can email me…Mike and I are still undergoing this journey and are trying to adopt now. We are praying for you guys!

  2. miraclesinlife September 22, 2010 at 6:13 p09 #

    Thank you for articulating what I have been feeling a LOT of lately…
    “There is one thing I am becoming increasingly aware of: there is a mom-club that I am not a part of. There are conversations and life changes that I do not fit into. This part is difficult.”

    It has been 6 years since we made the decision to not proceed any further with infertility treatments.
    God has us in HIS hand, in life where He wants us. I have accepted His direction and LOVE where he is taking us. That still doesn’t always stop the loneliness or small ache that comes at random times. God and I have lots of conversations! 😉

    We will be continuing to pray for you both as you walk on this journey. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

  3. Tricia Boganwright (Mom) September 23, 2010 at 6:13 p09 #

    I’ve been praying. Love you

  4. Mel September 23, 2010 at 6:13 p09 #

    You’re right about it being a lonely journey. And although we don’t know each other (I saw your blog on a friend of a friend’s), I wanted you to know that my husband and I aren’t done with the infertility journey, either. It’s been 5 years, and we’re just now planning treatments. We don’t know how the story will end, but we know that God has blessed us no matter what, and I trust that we have a good life ahead.

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    […] have the blog roll that I go through of friends I have blog-stalked for years. Well, tonight I read Becca’s Blog and she put to words some of the feelings I’ve been having lately that I hadn’t sat […]

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