Friday was tough

4 Jul

So I was pretty discouraged on Friday.  Besides the fact that I discovered this month that our fertility treatments did not work, I also found out that we are going to have to wait at least another 2 months before we can do anything else with Kaiser.

I also realized that Kaiser and I had two different agendas:  by me going to the doctor, my initial agenda was just to find out if my body was working right on its own, Kaiser’s agenda was just to get me pregnant by giving me meds and shots (which I am still processing through how much of it I will do – its easy to get sucked in to this whole process).  On top of that, the nurse told me that by not taking the shot last month did not mean that I ovulated on my own.  That was the most discouraging part.   I thought I had.

Anyway, I can’t continue any kind of treatment for a while because the vacations we have planned this summer just happen to fall on the ‘strategic’ days these next two months.  Kaiser will not let me just take clomid without coming in for check-ups on certain days (which I also found out) because clomid increases my chances for cysts.  Nice. 

So Friday was the day I realized all this.  It was also the day that we received news from several friends and family members of:  new pregnancy, going into labor, just found out sex of the baby. 

Now what I refuse to do is to let my own grieving get in the way of my ability to share the joy with my friends about their pregnancies.  I rejoice when they rejoice.  Still, not playing the comparison game is something I have to continually give over to God.

But even through my discouragement, I took a step back and realized that I see God’s hand in this too.  My prayer the last few months has been “God, I am not strong enough to make decisions regarding the infertility process, pregnancy, adoption, etc.  You have to do something because I just don’t know what to do.”

And then somehow it has come down to (not really in my control) that I physically cannot continue treatment from any doctor for at least 2 months.  I still don’t know what He is doing, but I see His hand in even this.

In my prayers yesterday I asked God if this was His doing, if He was taking care of things.

He said “I AM.”

3 Responses to “Friday was tough”

  1. Carole Heinrichs July 5, 2010 at 6:13 p07 #

    I wish I could give you a big hug and encourage you. Waiting is sooooo hard–only in retrospect do we see GOD’S plan unfolding into what He desires most for us. Psalm 84: 11 “For the Lord is a sun and shield (He shows us the direction and protects us); the Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” He IS faithful. And don’t forget to read Psalm 34 out loud to remind yourself.
    I love you deeply!

  2. Shanalea Atchison July 17, 2010 at 6:13 p07 #

    How did I just find this I don’t know. Just wanted you to know that I am still praying for you.

  3. rhiannon August 5, 2010 at 6:13 p08 #

    love you friend. praying for you.

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