I Have Decided

14 Oct

I have decided that during this waiting time when Andrew and I are hoping for kids, I am going to enjoy life without them.

Let me explain.  I can’t change our circumstances.  Only God can.  So focusing on what is not will only frustrate me more.   God revealed something to me a long time ago that gave me (and continues to give me) so much peace.  I cannot tell the future. I cannot change what I cannot control.   God did not give us humans that ability.  And trying to do either one of those will simply offer chaos, frustration, and confusion.  My God is not the author of these things.

I decided that I cannot keep going through the grief stages every month.  I have chosen peace.

What does that mean for me right now?  I have decided to enjoy life now.

I will enjoy being able to take a nap whenever my schedule permits.  I will enjoy being able to have coffee, lunch meat, and soft cheeses and not feel guilty about it.  I will enjoy having date night and going to the movies spontaneously.  I will enjoy thinking of my students as my “kids” and my ministry.  I will enjoy being able to go to band practice early and stay late, to go to the studio on a whim to help a friend record his album, to be able to stay a few more minutes at work to get something done, to give all of myself as a worship leader for 4 services on Sundays without running back and forth to flip flops.  I will enjoy time with my husband!

Do I still want children?  Absolutely!  We will keep trying.  I think I am even at the point of calling a doctor.  But during this time, I have chosen to consider what I have a blessing.

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7 Responses to “I Have Decided”

  1. Cristine October 14, 2009 at 6:13 p10 #

    I am glad you posted this. I love you!

  2. Lindy Pardee October 14, 2009 at 6:13 p10 #

    Choosing joy in unpleasant circumstance is so awesome. Satan would love to have stolen that from you.

  3. Donel October 14, 2009 at 6:13 p10 #

    that is an awesome choice!!! See what time im writing this 3 50am. Why!? Well my kids are sick and this is my 3rd time up already and i work tom. Do i love my kids? Yes! Do i choose or want to be up? NO!!! ENJOY!!!

  4. jenny ewalt October 14, 2009 at 6:13 p10 #

    While you are enjoying life, remember God is good all the time and he will provide for your needs and wants. In HIS way!

  5. Kristin October 15, 2009 at 6:13 p10 #

    becca,
    As an inter-web fellow blogger, I can tell you that I totally understand what you are feeling. We are now on a break from 7 months of medicated trying, and I had to decide that my life and happiness is just as important as having a baby. God wants me seeking, not waiting.
    Good luck 🙂

  6. amfunches October 16, 2009 at 6:13 p10 #

    Good change of course! Good attitude. Yes do enjoy ALL these things cause they will change once you add little babies to your family. They are a blessing and ALOT of work. 🙂

  7. Mel October 21, 2009 at 6:13 p10 #

    I commented before about peace on this journey, and I’m glad you’re gaining it. I don’t believe the Lord causes pain, but he will of course help us through it. We’ve been waiting for a long time, and although we do enjoy life now, it is so hard envisioning a potentially different future than what we planned. You’re right to live in the present!

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