Tomorrow morning is my half marathon! I am in Fresno right now. Weather is perfect to go for a run. A little chilli but not too cold.
SO excited to do this with my best friend.
Carbing it up tonight at The Old Spaghetti Factory.
Pray for us. Updates and pics later.
For the sake of not revealing too much this person might not want me to reveal, I will not share the name of the person who sent me this facebook message, but I will share the content. I felt so blessed and so loved when I got this message from a girl in our church, whom I don’t even know, but have connected with through online endevers. She, too, has been wrestling with the prospect of wanting children but having to wait on God’s timing.
This makes me want to be a better pray-er. Let me just share what she wrote to me:
“I’m not sure what yesterday held for you, but the Spirit placed you on my heart and I prayed. I prayed for your role as a worship leader in our church. Your need to be the example of “realness” God desires. I prayed for your desire to trust God and yet still listen and wait for his next prompting; on His timing, not yours. I prayed for peace for when it was time to see a doctor. I prayed for God work in your relationship with Andrew; that you continue to seek the comfort of your husband as you move through this journey together. You had mentioned earlier that you had “flipped the switch” and “turned off the emotion.” I prayed that if God wants you to set the emotion aside and change your focus, that you would be able to do so with ease. But I also prayed that God would show you when it was necessary to bring back those emotions to Him, piece by piece, so you can have healing, comfort, contentment, and joy. I prayed for you with your passion and purpose as a teacher. That you would continue to be His light to the open minds around you. That you would draw strength and encouragement from your students; that they would not drain you, but fill you up. I prayed that God would surround you with love and encouragement from friends. I praised God for the encouragement you have been for me. For the opportunity to pour out my feelings and emotions. I know these emails have been odd an so surreal so I thanked God for facebook 
. I prayed for your future. For your current family and your future family. I prayed for protection and healing of your physical body and your daily thoughts and emotions. Thank you again for letting me share and pray. You are an encouragement and blessing to me”
That is a prayer. I am humbled and oh so blessed.
So about a year ago in our quest to eat healthier, Andrew and I switched to soy milk. I don’t drink much, just for cereal every once in a while.
But I also love me some edemame.
A few months ago, through some research and advice from friends, I was told to give up soy. It has a lot of estrogen in it and not the best for someone trying to get prego.
I miss my edemame but it hasn’t been that bad.
But then this Sunday I read the back of my Clif Bar ingredients.
Do you see that? Organic Oats and SOYBEANS!!!!
Then I checked the other brand of protein bars we eat. SOY!!
I probably eat a Clif Bar 3-4 times a week.
Just pissed me off a bit.
Most Sunday, during of the services while Pastor Matt is preaching, we try to take some time to pray together as a worship team. Today as we were praying for the service, the church, etc. I felt like God gave me a picture of what is happening during worship. To say that God gave me a vision may sound a little weird, but I believe it to be true. Let me back up a bit.
When we worship God, we wage war against an enemy that is unseen. Years ago I read a book called “This Present Darkness” by Frank Peretti. It is a fictional book but it opened my eyes to the very real possibility of what is happening when we pray. There is a battle going on between God’s angels and Satan’s demons.
The Bible is very clear that there is a spiritual realm that we cannot see. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Eph 6:12). How do we fight this battle? In prayer and in worship.
Here’s what I saw today: As Pastor Matt was preaching and we responded in singing and worship, I saw this picture in my mind of dark figures holding onto the shoulders of many of the people in our church. As we sang and received God’s word, mighty and beautiful angels filled the gym and fought these dark figures. With swords they slaughtered the demons that were hanging on to people. There was victory today.
But there were others that they Angels passed over. They did not fight some of the demons. They did not raise a sword. Those people that the demons held on to were not ready to let go and let the Angels win. Those demons stayed.
It broke my heart.
We have more power than we believe. Here is the truth: The same power that raised Jesus Christ from the grave lives in us. Why do we not walk in this power?
Christians: stand up. Fight. You already have victory! If you let the Lord of Heaven’s Armies stand in your place, there is not even one who can stand against you. When we worship, we are simply declaring God’s worth and proclaiming our victory.
One more service tonight. Got some more fighting to do.
A little excited.
So this was our crazy, but overall very fun weekend:
Andrew and I left midday Friday to pick up brother in Orange County and drive to Fresno. Got to the “No around 5, had 1st dinner with the in-laws, then 2nd dinner at our friend’s 30th birthday party. Happy B-day Jacinda. I got to see Heather Whittaker which was really fun, and catch up with some other peps I hadn’t seen in quite some time.
Woke up Sat morning and ran 11 miles with my BFF, Robin. Showered and drove to Bay Area for Andrew’s cousin’s wedding (I love fancy weddings. Amazing food, tons-o-fun).
Drove back to Fresno Sat night after the wedding. Got there at 1 am. Woke up at 5 am to come back to Riverside for church.
Back to work Monday. Sad when the weekend wears you out more than your work week but totally worth it.
I bought these individually packaged Tilapia fillets and decided to cook tonight. As I read the cooking instructions I saw this….
but I don’t want to dip my fillet in the floor.
Do you think the quality of the marketing for this product reflects the quality of the meat?
Tasted good to me.
…until last Friday
We actually could not get into Disneyland. Not the parking lot was full. The whole park!!
Thats a lot of people. I was just fine driving away from the Happiest Place on Earth.
I went for another run today. 
My new, amazing, fairly expensive shoes are giving me a blister. Originally I thought it was from when we went dancing but it came back after my run.
It is really amazing that something so small can almost keep you from exercising.
I think I have run on them too much to take them back. What do I do?
Let me just say that there are many times that I feel inadequate, particularly in the music arena. I know I can sing, but there is still so much I don’t know. There is so much about singing I can improve on; so much about music I wish I knew but don’t.
I am surrounded with unbelievable musicians and sometimes it just makes me feel inadequate.
In some regards, the inadequacy feeling is good. It pushes me to learn more.
My role as a worship leader at Sandals is different than those at other churches. At most churches the worship leader chooses the set list, arranges the songs, and is in charge of the musicians. Although I sometimes have input in the songs we sing, I don’t do any of those things on a regular basis. In a way its kind of nice. I can focus my attention toward the congreation and concentrate on how God wants me to lead.
Downfalls: There are just some limitations on leading when I can’t necessarily lead the band as well.
But I am being pushed to grow in my musicianship which I appreciate. Tonight I am leading one of the songs for band practice. I mean, I am running the rehearsal for this particular song. I am excited to have been given the chance to do this but also a little nervous.
Good nervous.
I have decided that during this waiting time when Andrew and I are hoping for kids, I am going to enjoy life without them.
Let me explain. I can’t change our circumstances. Only God can. So focusing on what is not will only frustrate me more. God revealed something to me a long time ago that gave me (and continues to give me) so much peace. I cannot tell the future. I cannot change what I cannot control. God did not give us humans that ability. And trying to do either one of those will simply offer chaos, frustration, and confusion. My God is not the author of these things.
I decided that I cannot keep going through the grief stages every month. I have chosen peace.
What does that mean for me right now? I have decided to enjoy life now.
I will enjoy being able to take a nap whenever my schedule permits. I will enjoy being able to have coffee, lunch meat, and soft cheeses and not feel guilty about it. I will enjoy having date night and going to the movies spontaneously. I will enjoy thinking of my students as my “kids” and my ministry. I will enjoy being able to go to band practice early and stay late, to go to the studio on a whim to help a friend record his album, to be able to stay a few more minutes at work to get something done, to give all of myself as a worship leader for 4 services on Sundays without running back and forth to flip flops. I will enjoy time with my husband!
Do I still want children? Absolutely! We will keep trying. I think I am even at the point of calling a doctor. But during this time, I have chosen to consider what I have a blessing.
